Houston Dream Team by Ken Hoffman

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Our great friend at the Chronicle just had a draft for the anchors in Houston:

 

Ken Hoffman

 

May 30, 2007, 11:15PM

Fielding a local-news dream team

 

By KEN HOFFMAN

Copyright 2007 Houston Chronicle

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The NBA draft is coming up and sports talk stations are buzzing with "The Rockets should take this guy" and "They need to trade down and get that other guy" or "They oughtta package their first pick and get a veteran point guard."

 

Annual sports drafts are a good idea. They shake things up. And we need things shaken - not stirred - around here.

 

Our local TV news could use a solid shaking, too.

 

Let’s imagine a new TV station is coming to Houston and it’s going to have nightly news. And all the other stations have to make free agents of their anchors, weather forecasters and sports reporters. In other words, everybody starts from scratch.

 

Welcome to the 2007 Houston news draft, brought to you by Miller Lite and Go Daddy. Tonight, we’ll bring you the first five rounds of the draft. Here’s the draft order. The new station will get the first pick in each round, followed by Channel 39, Channel 26, Channel 2, Channel 13 and Channel 11.

 

Stations must pick one male news anchor, one female news anchor, a weathercaster, a sports anchor and a general news reporter - in any order they wish. I will be making the draft selections for the new station. I promise to make good picks based on talent, ratings ability and work ethic.

 

I won’t be like the Houston Texans and take some anchor nobody ever heard of, just because he’ll sign cheap. That’s just stupid. Let the record show that the Texans’ record shows that.

 

Round 1

 

And with the first pick in the opening round of the 2007 Houston News Draft, the new station selects weatherman Neil Frank.

 

Since all the stations are drunk on weather reporting ("Our lead story tonight … it‘s drizzling!"), why not go with the most respected veteran in the market? Some TV studies say that people decide which station they watch based on which weathercaster they like most. If weather is that important, then the person predicting the weather is important. Let’s make the sure, safe pick. Frank may not be the best choice for a team building for the future, but he has a few good years left, and we want to win now!

 

The rest of the first round: Channel 39 takes anchor Dave Ward. Channel 26 goes with anchor Dominque Sachse. Channel 2 picks investigative reporter Wayne Dolcefino. Channel 13 picks anchor Lucy Noland. Channel 11 re-signs anchor Greg Hurst.

 

Round 2

 

In the second round, our new station will take sports anchor Mark Berman.

 

Berman is the hardest-working gatherer of sports stories in Houston. It’s exhausting just to watch him cover a story. In a city where some TV and radio sports hosts rarely visit the ballpark, Berman is snooping around locker rooms and executive offices on a daily basis. How many times do you hear on the national sports shows, "According to a report on Channel 26 in Houston"? If you’re a sports fan, he’s the clear pick. The only risk in picking Berman? Houston is not known as a frenetic sports city, and why watch the local news for sports when you have ESPN? Still, Berman is a steal in the second round. OK, we’re looking good. We’ve got our weather and sports covered.

 

The rest of the second round: Channel 39 takes anchor Gina Gaston. Channel 26 picks weathercaster Tim Heller. Channel 2 goes with anchor Jan Jeffcoat, not knowing she’s already signed a deal in Chicago, a tremendous draft blunder. Channel 13 takes anchor Bill Balleza. Channel 11 banks its future on anchor Rachel McNeill.

 

Round 3

 

In the third round, I’m planning for the future, too. I’ll take anchor Lauren Freeman, currently doing mornings on Channel 2. She will be a big name in Houston if given the proper showcase, and since I’m running an expansion team, she’ll get lots of face time. Freeman is poised and ready. She needs to punch up her Internet bio, however. Currently, the Channel 2 Web site lists her favorite hobbies as "laughing and shopping." I wonder if there are any cute boys in the mall today?

 

The rest of the third round: Channel 39 takes weatherman Mike Iscovitz. Channel 26 picks anchor Len Cannon. Channel 2 goes with anchor Owen Conflenti. Channel 13 picks weathercaster Mario Gomez. Channel 11 takes sports anchor Bob Allen.

 

Round 4

 

With my fourth-round selection, I’m taking utility news anchor Tom Koch. He’s been around for 20 years and had been a ratings success wherever Channel 13 has put him. His track record in mornings is sensational. His only problem is waiting for Dave Ward to retire and open the 10 p.m.anchor chair. Best of luck with that. Ward will still be anchoring the news when "man walks on sun." Koch is a good clubhouse guy, never a pain and the chances of him being arrested for some embarrassing crime are less than 2 percent, which practically makes him a model citizen in this city.

 

The rest of the fourth round: Channel 39 takes sports anchor Giff Nielsen. Channel 26 takes sports anchor Randy McIlvoy. Channel 2 takes sports anchor Tim Melton. Channel 13 takes reporter Mary Benton. Channel 11 takes reporter Phil Archer.

 

Round 5

 

With my last pick, I’ll take reporter Jeff McShan. I was holding my breath when Channel 13 and Channel 11 took reporters in the fourth round, hoping they wouldn’t say McShan. There is no better, more solid, more versatile guy on the street than McShan. He is connected and delivers the news in a straightforward, no nonsense manner. He knows the newsmakers in Houston and gets the story early and accurate. Plus, he tells very funny stories at lunch.

 

The rest of the fifth round: Channel 39 takes investigative reporter Robert Arnold. Channel 26 picks reporter Nancy Holland. Channel 2 goes with weathercaster David Tillman. Channel 13 sticks with sports anchor Bob Slovak. Channel 11 picks weathercaster Casey Curry.

 

I’m pleased with my selections. I think this is a team that can win now and in the future. The anchors are Tom Koch and Lauren Freeman. The weathercaster is Neil Frank. My sports guy is Mark Berman (the steal of the draft). And my reporter is Jeff McShan.

 

Now I need to free up some money so I can sign free agents. Tops on my list is all-around Average Joe … Don Nelson. He’s been on air at Channel 13 for more than 30 years, never being a main anchor or even a weekend guy. Cockroaches admire his survival instincts.

 

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